Alcoholism & Addiction

2 years ago, I attended my AA home group with my daughter, Natalie. A few days later, on a fateful Friday night, I bought a quart of beer and did some "experimental drinking." That 1 beer led me to a 7 month relapse, complete with 11 trips to the ER, 3 psych ward stays, and 3 arrests. The experiment failed.
Last night, Natalie and I were at that same meeting with some of our other family members. The topic was gratitude. Attending the meeting with Natalie, 2 years later, with 16 months of sobriety under my belt, fills me with a sense of gratitude that I can't describe. I am grateful to my AA friends for always being here for me, and I am grateful to my family for giving me the chance to show them that the Mike they love was still alive. But most of all, I am grateful to God, for hearing my cries for help and delivering me from the living hell I was in 2 years ago. Go to meetings, get a sponsor, and pray. Stop drinking. Your Higher Power is waiting to help, and life is worth fighting for!-Frosty

I turned the porkchops in the skillet and began to tell my daughter about my day. At seventeen she was used to hearing my examples of life lessons. Today however it was she who kept it simple and put it all in persepctive.

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There's a story in the Big Book by one of the first women in AA.. Sylvia K, wrote her story called Keys to the Kingdom. She speaks of many things but "aloneness" seems to be a topic coming up more and more frquently in conversation and meetings lately and I think she expressed it better than anyone.
For years I felt less than, alone, not a apart of....drinking to some degree helped with that. In sobriety, it have had to struggle with belonging and learning how to be a part of society. My homegroup is where I've learned alot of these skills - how to listen, humility tempered with belonging..how to be a friend. My sponsor taught me how to relate with people one on one...and the group how to function in a group. I had no social skills when I drank..I was totally motivated by protecting my supply and my next drink. If you weren't a part of that agenda or I couldn't use you to get me out of consequences from my drinking I had no place in my life for you.
Working with a sponsor teaching me the steps I began to see that pattern. The demanding immaturity of being entitled...of not being considerate or thoughtful of others then hiding it all in the guise of resentments and blame when I didn't get my way. The steps taught me that awareness..but it was my sponsor's patient guiding hand who by example taught me how to think and relate to others differently one on one.
It was my homegroup that gave me a "safe" place to begin to use those new tools to begin to deal with groups of people. Where I learned what true belonging was all about. That respect was earned...and attention wasn't something to be demanded. About moral values and ethics and honesty and charecter and how the lack or development of them each had their consequences.
I remember the day with great respect and gratitude that my first sponsor pulled me aside after a meeting and said.. You aren't a drunken slut in a bar room anymore and it's time you stopped acting like one. You owe it to yourself and to the program that saved your life to begin to act and look like the sober woman you are.. You are now an example to all who see you of what sobriety is..(and then pointing to the 2 sizes too small tank top I was falling out of) and it's time you think about just what it is you are showing the world that you think you have to offer.. I was flabberghasted..and angry..but after some thought I looked around and saw how the women who had what I wanted in the rooms dressed..and it certainly wasn't how I looked. So I started dressing differently..and slowly found people treating me differently.
These were the things beyond the steps I had to learn.. social ettiquette, manners, being respectful of others, not needing to be the center of attention... how to simply be "one of the group" no better than and no less than others. I didn't have those skills..but this was a journey about learning to live sober and be a contributing member of society again... and the rewards of the effort were incredible.
I'm not standing on the outside anymore wondering why I don't seem to fit in anymore..one of the gifts I received was dignity and self respect and with those feelings came a sense of belonging. And for me today that fills me with gratitude.

I work as an addiction treatment specialist. The information in this post is material from a lecture I often give to my patients on the disease concept of addiction.

Why can't I quit? Cocaine, alcohol, and as it turns out, gambling, have a similar effect on the dopamine system in the brain. I'm going to explain, in terms anyone can understand, why an addict is addicted and why that is such a powerful and inexplicable thing.

Dopamine is a neurotransmitter which is active in certain key parts of the brain. To understand addiction, you have to understand something about how the brain developed and look at the part of the brain where this dopamine does it thing. When I say developed I mean how the human brain evolved. At the base of your brain, the part just above the spinal cord at the center of your head, is an ancient part of the brain, sometimes referred to as the neomammalian brain. (It is also referred to as the meso-limbic system, for you techies.) The word neomammalian comes from the roots new + mammal. All mammals, even mice and chipmunks have some form of this brain region. While dopamine exists in various places in the brain, this is where the dopamine which we are interested in lives. This area of the brain is also called the pleasure center and the dopamine itself is active in the process of feeling pleasure.

Bookmark that while we look at another part of the brain. The frontal cortex is the part of the brain that is just behind your forehead, above your eyes. This part of the brain, evolutionarily speaking, is much younger. It almost certainly developed along with the ability or phenomenon we call consciousness which exists in the higher mammals such as the so-called great apes of which humans are one species. It is where the part of us we call "I" or "me" resides. This is the manager. The executive. When we think, plan, make decisions, or play the piano, the frontal cortex is involved.

Now, back in the ancient part of the brain we were talking about earlier -- that part has responsibilities too. The neomammalian part of the brain contains the hypothalamus and other areas where we know that functions such as sleep, hunger, thirst, and the sex drive are located. The neomammalian brain also contains a structure called the amygdala, which is a key area where processing emotions are involved.

Now, you can use your frontal cortex, your executive function, to decide to stay up late tonight and watch a movie. You could probably even stay up all night. But could you stay up for two days? How about 5? Eventually, no matter how grand your plan (planning is a frontal cortex function) you will succumb to the commands of the ancient part of the brain which asserts itself when you need sleep in order to survive.

Likewise, we can control our appetites. We can control them to the point where we almost starve ourselves. We do this by using our management part, the decision making part of our brains, again, the frontal cortex. But eventually, you'll be so hungry you'd eat anything, if you starved yourself long enough. The part of the brain that makes you ravenous and unable to overcome the desire to not eat is that ancient part.

In addicts, the ancient part of the brain is the part that is addicted.

When you abuse alcohol, or cocaine, or gamble to excess, the addictive substance or addictive behavior causes an abnormal increase in the amount of dopamine present in the pleasure center of your brain. This has two nasty side effects. One side effect is that the brain decides to produce less dompamine. The second side effect is that the brain, over time, becomes less responsive to dopamine. This phenomenon is why we become addicted and why addiction is a disease process.

Just like in the examples with eating and sleeping, you can decide not to use drugs or drink or gamble. The question is how long can you go without? That ancient part of the brain, modified by historical abuse, needs for you to do drugs, or drink, or gamble. That ancient part of the brain asserts itself behaviorally. It makes you crave. Sometimes subtly, but it asserts itself because there is an imbalance of dopamine. A shortage. Of course, addiction is not exactly like sleep and hunger. While the mechanisms of assertion are different in hunger, sleep and craving phenomena, the routes between the meso-limbic system and the frontal cortex are the same for all of them and dopamine is active in those regions of the meso-limbic system where the signals originate.

I like to say that ... We can't choose not to use.

Before I leave this topic, I want to address the issue of the nasty side effects I mentioned. The result of the brain being out of balance with dopamine means that the pleasure center is not working properly. So if before you got loaded a bazillion times you enjoyed going to concerts and watching you child in a school play and having a milkshake, now your booze-addled brain doesn't respond to those things the same way. They don't give you as much pleasure. Abstinence is the only thing that makes this go back to normal. These processes are reversible. A long period of abstinence will in most cases restore the majority of dopamine system functioning.

Long-term abuse creates an addicted brain. Sustained abstinence slowly reverses some of the damage."

Abstinence heals. That's why we call it recovery. Since recovery can take a long time, we are quite likely to relapse before our brains are sufficiently restored. So what do we do? We can't choose not to use, but we can choose to recover. We can choose meetings, and service, and sponsorship, and the steps.

I recently picked up a token for 1 year of continuous sobriety. A very short time ago, I thought that I would never, ever be able to say that. I had managed 7 months sober 3 different times, but inevitably I went back out. While I was in rehab last year, I was searching desperately for the missing ingredient in my recovery. I had gone to AA meetings, called my sponsor, practiced meditation; I had even worked a little with another alcoholic. What was missing? I asked a counselor in rehab what I was doing wrong. "Nothing," he replied. "Do what worked for 7 months, just do a little more of it." He suggested doing 2% more work towards recovery; I think I did about 25% more just to be sure. Whether you have been sober for 20 years or 1 year or 2 weeks, we all have to do the same things each day to stay sober. It doesn't get any harder down the road. If you stayed sober today through the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, just wake up tomorrow and do the same "stuff." Work the 12 steps, pray, and watch out for those people, places, and things that we call triggers. When you're finally sick and tired of being sick and tired, 2% more effort isn't asking too much. Keep coming back. If it kept me sober for a year, there is hope for all of us!!!-Frosty

Huh, isn't it funny....I spoke earlier of finding Christmas inside myself.... I'm finding I'm not doing anything different than I've always done. And it's working. The only thing that's changed seems to be my attitude. So i'm having a good laugh with myself and God.

All around me there's healing happening. Standing back watching those I love begin to mend the rifts of the past with ammends offered fearlessly and honestly not just in words but in actions. Family being reunited...and the ember of Hope being fanned. Acts of love and kindness. I think things like that have been happening all along but in my fear and anxiety to prove something to myself and others I've been too blinded to see it. Nothing's different except me.

There's a story told about some shepherds watching their flocks (much like I tend to try and watch over those I love) and they looked up and saw a star...and they followed it..and they found a miracle. Maybe, just maybe, it's meant to be more than just a story for me this year. Maybe it's reminding me to Look up from my concerns and look around and see the miracles happening everyday and know I'm not alone. Stepping out of self serving concerns to just watch in wonder for abit.

peace.....
merlin

I hate holidays. Always caught up in expectations and unresonable ones at that..especially of myself. Something seems abit different this year though. Somehow it's not even December and I think I've managed to just let go. It feels different anyway, whatever it is. The budget is tight (isn't it always?) and I can't do for folk as I'd like to do.
Folks I had hoped to share the Holiday with may or may not show up. It's just not going to be my "ideal" Christmas. And for the first time I think I can just accept and surrender to that... and perhaps just perhaps enjoy what it will be instead of what it isn't.
I'm consciously going to try something different this year. I'm going to do those things I can that mean Christmas to me and not worry about if others are pleased or not. I'm going to try and focus on just what it is that Christmas means to me..between me and my God..instead of feeling I must "do" to provide Christmas cheer for others. Sounds kind of selfish..but you know..in an odd way perhaps giving Christmas to myself this year may be just what needs to happen to allow me to be able to give to others. Hard to give away what I don't have myself, they tell me.. well maybe it'll work with Christmas too. I don't know but I'll let you know how it works out.
Joyous Holidays to ALL.
~merlin

Last Thursday was the best Thanksgiving of my life. Much better than last year. We had 17 family members here for dinner. That's a lot of people! As dinner time approached, 4 of us were all cooking in the kitchen at once. My mother, step-father, and step-sister were running around like they were on fire. They were very caught up in the last minute food preparations; full of anxiety and very worried about whether or not everything would be done on time. I was making green bean casserole, and I hadn't a care in the world. I was in a house full of people that I loved and who loved me. I was consumed with gratitude like I have never felt before. My last Thanksgiving dinner was in a homeless shelter with strangers. After I ate, I spent the evening drinking warm beer, then I slept in my car. I prayed that I wouldn't wake up. But I did, and here I am.
Although I don't want to dwell on my pre-recovery memories, they do provide wonderful points of reference. You see, I could have made the worst green bean casserole I've ever made this year, and my Thanksgiving was still gonna be just fine. Because I've been through a REAL bad Thanksgiving, and I'm never going back. I'm 10 and 1/2 months sober, and I owe it to God, AA, and my family. If you read this and your'e still out there, get to a meeting today. And keep going back. I am very grateful to be sober today. Oh, and my green bean casserole turned out very well, judging by how much of it my daughter Megan ate.-Frosty

"Accept the things I cannot change..." How many times a week do we meeting attenders say those words? Does acceptance really make us feel better? Here's my take on this topic: I ride my bike every day to help control my blood sugar. Today, I took a 10 mile ride. There were 25 MPH winds gusting all day today. For the first 5 miles of my ride, I was riding into that wind. Then I turned around and headed home for 5 miles, riding with the wind instead of against it. During that ride into the wind, I was very unhappy. Frankly, I was miserable. I didn't make eye contact with the drivers passing me by, I was in pain, and I felt like quitting the ride. On the way back, riding WITH the wind, my entire outlook changed. I barely had to pedal; I just coasted along. I enjoyed the changing colors of Fall, and I smiled and waved at every person I saw. I felt like I could ride my bike forever.
Acceptance or a lack of it is just like that bike ride. If I work a good program and exercise acceptance, my days go by just like the 2nd half of that ride: happiness, gratitude; just coasting right along. If, though, for 1 minute, I get away from that serene type of thinking, I then begin pedaling against the wind, which I can't afford to do. Anger, bitterness, resentment, fear, greed, jealousy; I choose not to entertain these emotions. I'll take unconditional love and acceptance any day of the week. I may have to ride my BIKE against the wind, but with the help of AA and the people who read these words, I'll coast all the way home in life for the rest of my days. How about you?-Frosty

Arranging my head
on the stairs. Rose petals
cling to my clothes and
skin like those little bits
of plastic bag. I want
more out of life
than clingy plastic or
even rose petals. But
as I sit on the stairs
gathering my head
I wonder what it was
that was so important.

Why did I get all
worked up over nothing, when
peace was all I ever sought
in the first place. I
need to let you know
that you are in my heart
and I didn't know that until
I sat on the stairs after
we argued. I'm sorry for
what I said. I know
it was awful.

You had put together
such a grand plan. The place
all decorated and filled with
love. I was blind to it --
I only saw the mess
of you and me. Now without
even knowing why I do things
I can say I'm sorry and I
love you. It's something I
learned somewhere along
the way. Thanks
to you.