Who Is an Addict?

I remember the first NA meeting I ever attended. I had this old NA schedule that I had taken once from the lobby at work. You see, I really did have the desire to stop using long before I ever had the ability, the willingness, the honesty, or the support I needed to do it. I used to journal while I was up all night, night after night - journaling about how horrible it was, and about how much I wanted to stop living the way I was.

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The first meeting I went to came after an ultimatum, another fight with Paul, and another scene in the neighborhood. We were "That Family," "That House" that every street and neighborhood has, the one with all the chaos, activity, and mystery going on day and night.

On this night, we were, as always, arguing. We had already separated for five months, he had lived in a motel for three months, and had barely moved back into the house - and nothing had changed, except that I was being evicted for allowing Paul to move back in. To end the argument, he took my SUV, I ran outside to shout some obscenities as he peeled out of the newly laid gravel driveway, and I was showered with road base. It hit me in the face, in the head, everywhere. He saw what happened, and he stopped. He got out of the car, and these words came out of my mouth...

"Either we go to an NA meeting now, tonite, or this is over. I can't do this anymore."

He was already going to be court ordered to go to meetings anyway. We both knew it. I had wanted someone, something, anything to intervene - I liked getting high, but the cost was too much, and it had to stop. This was it - we agreed - we went to the "Friday Night Candle Light Meeting" at a local inpatient rehab.

The meeting was outdoors. I was incredibly nervous, embarassed, and intimidated. Everyone knew everyone, and we were "Outsiders." There were Candles and torches lit on an outdoor patio facing a pasture, and there were a LOT of people there.

We sat in the back. People we didn't know gave us hugs and welcomed us. They were so weird.

After they read some things, "Who is an Addict," Why are we Here," etc, the person running the meeting asked if anyone was at their first NA meeting, so I raised my hand. She asked me to introduce myself by my first name, so I did. She gave me a white keychain that said "NA" on one side, and "Just for Today" on the other side. She gave me a hug, too. Paul too. Her name was "Robin."

I sat and I listened. The people weren't as weird as I thought they were. They were a lot like me. They said outloud a lot of the things I only allowed myself to think about. They were smiling. They seemed hopeful. They seemed happy.

When the meeting ended, a woman named "Terri" told me to "Keep Coming Back." I remember her introducing herself, I remember she gave me her phone number along with a lot of other women at the meeting. They told me to call them if I wanted to use - they told me to call them BEFORE I called my connection.

I left that meeting with something I hadn't felt in a very long time - HOPE.

Terri didn't keep coming back. About 6 months into my own recovery, she relapsed, and she died.