Merlin's Musings

I turned the porkchops in the skillet and began to tell my daughter about my day. At seventeen she was used to hearing my examples of life lessons. Today however it was she who kept it simple and put it all in persepctive.

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There's a story in the Big Book by one of the first women in AA.. Sylvia K, wrote her story called Keys to the Kingdom. She speaks of many things but "aloneness" seems to be a topic coming up more and more frquently in conversation and meetings lately and I think she expressed it better than anyone.
For years I felt less than, alone, not a apart of....drinking to some degree helped with that. In sobriety, it have had to struggle with belonging and learning how to be a part of society. My homegroup is where I've learned alot of these skills - how to listen, humility tempered with belonging..how to be a friend. My sponsor taught me how to relate with people one on one...and the group how to function in a group. I had no social skills when I drank..I was totally motivated by protecting my supply and my next drink. If you weren't a part of that agenda or I couldn't use you to get me out of consequences from my drinking I had no place in my life for you.
Working with a sponsor teaching me the steps I began to see that pattern. The demanding immaturity of being entitled...of not being considerate or thoughtful of others then hiding it all in the guise of resentments and blame when I didn't get my way. The steps taught me that awareness..but it was my sponsor's patient guiding hand who by example taught me how to think and relate to others differently one on one.
It was my homegroup that gave me a "safe" place to begin to use those new tools to begin to deal with groups of people. Where I learned what true belonging was all about. That respect was earned...and attention wasn't something to be demanded. About moral values and ethics and honesty and charecter and how the lack or development of them each had their consequences.
I remember the day with great respect and gratitude that my first sponsor pulled me aside after a meeting and said.. You aren't a drunken slut in a bar room anymore and it's time you stopped acting like one. You owe it to yourself and to the program that saved your life to begin to act and look like the sober woman you are.. You are now an example to all who see you of what sobriety is..(and then pointing to the 2 sizes too small tank top I was falling out of) and it's time you think about just what it is you are showing the world that you think you have to offer.. I was flabberghasted..and angry..but after some thought I looked around and saw how the women who had what I wanted in the rooms dressed..and it certainly wasn't how I looked. So I started dressing differently..and slowly found people treating me differently.
These were the things beyond the steps I had to learn.. social ettiquette, manners, being respectful of others, not needing to be the center of attention... how to simply be "one of the group" no better than and no less than others. I didn't have those skills..but this was a journey about learning to live sober and be a contributing member of society again... and the rewards of the effort were incredible.
I'm not standing on the outside anymore wondering why I don't seem to fit in anymore..one of the gifts I received was dignity and self respect and with those feelings came a sense of belonging. And for me today that fills me with gratitude.

Huh, isn't it funny....I spoke earlier of finding Christmas inside myself.... I'm finding I'm not doing anything different than I've always done. And it's working. The only thing that's changed seems to be my attitude. So i'm having a good laugh with myself and God.

All around me there's healing happening. Standing back watching those I love begin to mend the rifts of the past with ammends offered fearlessly and honestly not just in words but in actions. Family being reunited...and the ember of Hope being fanned. Acts of love and kindness. I think things like that have been happening all along but in my fear and anxiety to prove something to myself and others I've been too blinded to see it. Nothing's different except me.

There's a story told about some shepherds watching their flocks (much like I tend to try and watch over those I love) and they looked up and saw a star...and they followed it..and they found a miracle. Maybe, just maybe, it's meant to be more than just a story for me this year. Maybe it's reminding me to Look up from my concerns and look around and see the miracles happening everyday and know I'm not alone. Stepping out of self serving concerns to just watch in wonder for abit.

peace.....
merlin

I hate holidays. Always caught up in expectations and unresonable ones at that..especially of myself. Something seems abit different this year though. Somehow it's not even December and I think I've managed to just let go. It feels different anyway, whatever it is. The budget is tight (isn't it always?) and I can't do for folk as I'd like to do.
Folks I had hoped to share the Holiday with may or may not show up. It's just not going to be my "ideal" Christmas. And for the first time I think I can just accept and surrender to that... and perhaps just perhaps enjoy what it will be instead of what it isn't.
I'm consciously going to try something different this year. I'm going to do those things I can that mean Christmas to me and not worry about if others are pleased or not. I'm going to try and focus on just what it is that Christmas means to me..between me and my God..instead of feeling I must "do" to provide Christmas cheer for others. Sounds kind of selfish..but you know..in an odd way perhaps giving Christmas to myself this year may be just what needs to happen to allow me to be able to give to others. Hard to give away what I don't have myself, they tell me.. well maybe it'll work with Christmas too. I don't know but I'll let you know how it works out.
Joyous Holidays to ALL.
~merlin

An excerpt from a note to my sponsor.......

OK now I'll go get another cup of coffee and get to the heart of things. (sigh) Alrighty.. Today I'm fighting that wonderful battle to get out of survival mode and all the fear based reactions to things that entails. Things happened and changed so fast for me here I somehow slipped back there and it's uncomfy and well the T shirt clashes with my new haircolor(grey). It's a big whoa Nelly. People pleasing, taking on responsibility for other folks stuff, feeling like I'm juggling a house of cards that's toppling faster than I can move to catch them, without seeming direction and totally overwhelmed. Wanting to be rescued and fighting crawling under the bed.

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My brain is still reeling. It never fails to put me in awe, the sheer power of it seems to visibly radiate off a person when they reach those kind of moments. When someone stops and stands tall and makes a choice to heal even if it means walking away from others who can't or won't, no matter who they are. I watched last week, as both my children.. without knowlege of the other..
made a choice for healing. Each stood at their own "turning point". Each turned to the same loved one who's untreated alcoholism had held them life long emotional hostages and and said in their own way "I love you, but enough."

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Two of my most treasured and dearest friends in recovery are sitting vigil at the bedside of loved ones in Hospice,today. One tending his beloved wife and the other his mother, to whom he is greatly devoted. Both of these men have been a tremendous source of spiritual counsel to me and I love them both deeply.

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There’s a woman I know who is often heard to say she is looking for “pearls”. ..pearls of wisdom. Those little quotes or stories that when you read or hear them make you stop and say “AHA! Yes! That’s it! How wonderfully put!” My brain tends to need such things. Often times I can’t find my own words so I use the words of others to express myself. Just as the basic slogans in the rooms help me when I need to keep things simple I find when I cannot find my own words someone else has already done it for me and usually with a lot more eloquence and grace. Actually, I really don’t think there’s much in my wee head that is original…I see something and it clicks and I borrow it, giving credit to the source when I can. The subtitle for my page is a good example. “It’s all about WE” I didn’t make that one up. I saw it on a coffee mug from a recent AA convention in upstate NY. What an incredibly simple way to convey the idea of fellowship. I thought I’d share some of my favorites, a few are old and well worn you have heard before and some are newer. I’ll try and give you the source if I have it. Perhaps it will inspire another person to begin collecting their own bag of pearls.

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We spoke of you tonight
Fondly
Warmly as friends do
When one of us isn’t there
To drink Al’s coffee.
We stood
Under the porch tonight
To dodge the mist
Treasuring it
Like the much needed rain
We wish it had been.
Then took our last drags
And filed past
The rusty butt can
Like school children
Lining up from recess
To wander in
And take our seats.
And we bowed our heads
Taking solace
In familiar, well worn
Words
And spoke of gratitude.

In memory of Harold B. who passed on sober, June 16th, 2007

THis is one of those rare days. Those days when I seem to feel so deeply I don't have words and I'm humbled to a state of what seems like pure raw emotion. It's as if I'm spun glass and if I were touched in just the slightest way I'd shatter into a gazillion shards.

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