Merlin's Musings

Two of my most treasured and dearest friends in recovery are sitting vigil at the bedside of loved ones in Hospice,today. One tending his beloved wife and the other his mother, to whom he is greatly devoted. Both of these men have been a tremendous source of spiritual counsel to me and I love them both deeply.

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Both know I hold them in prayer, but somehow in my heart I tend to think it's not enough. My head says it's all you can do...but that other part of me still wants to fix it. To somehow comfort, yet I know that even my words aren't going to be heard at this time. Problem is right now I need to say the words anyway.. so this will suffice. Often times writing things out I feel deeply about allows me to find my own answers..

They say when we are drinking that we tend to loose the ability to grieve...and that often times out of the blue after we've acheived some modicum of sobriety that we finally are able to go thru this very natural process. I've seen it in friends and family. Out of the blue you seem to wonder why you are crying and falling apart. It's happened to me on occasion also. I take comfort from friends that remind me I'm not loosing it..I'm healing.

The loss of my father was the most devastating thing I've ever gone thru. I could do nothing but feel and it was on my knees, raw, pure agony. I could not think nor function nor pray. Six months later I came the closest to drinking I have in sobriety..bottle in hand. Someone told me when you get like that you have to ride it out and let others do what needs doing and do your praying for you. Noone's keeping score on whether we do it gracefully. Just get thru it..SOBER.

I buried both my parents, my grandmother, got divorced after 17yrs of marriage and moved 1,000 miles away from everything I knew..all within 3 years. 4 of those were within a 4 month span. The fact that I got thru it all sober is testament to the fact that God definately does for me what I cannot do myself.

Loss and change strengthen me. It forces me to be humbled and vulnerable and therefore much closer to my God. It forces me to accept help and love from others because reduced to that state, I can do nothing else. I reclaim my humanity when I grieve and it is a time when I must be extra gentle on myself. This is when I give myself credit for getting out of bed, remembering to eat, basic hygeine..making sure I get to meetings..and absorbing the love in all the hugs and mental hand holding. It's credit for the basics..like contact with my sponsor..and continued daily readings..

I can do nothing but pray today..and light a candle or two..mentally send strength and comfort. But you know, I'm not the only one doing that and I'm humbled to be a small part of a much bigger whole today. It's passing on what I've so generously and freely been given myself. "I put my hand in your hand because WE can do together what I cannot do alone."