Merlin's Musings

My brain is still reeling. It never fails to put me in awe, the sheer power of it seems to visibly radiate off a person when they reach those kind of moments. When someone stops and stands tall and makes a choice to heal even if it means walking away from others who can't or won't, no matter who they are. I watched last week, as both my children.. without knowlege of the other..
made a choice for healing. Each stood at their own "turning point". Each turned to the same loved one who's untreated alcoholism had held them life long emotional hostages and and said in their own way "I love you, but enough."

[More:]

It took me 17 years to do the same thing. Even dealing with my own alcoholism and the legacy of the codependency passed on in all things from a parent, that final changing people, places and things took me 17 years to act upon. My children saw first hand both sides of the insanity. The lack of security, the anger, bitterness, mind games, self centeredness and self will run riot at the expense of their innocence and youth. I was finally strong enough to say "No more"... but I could not utter those chain breaking words for them as well. (Lord knows I did try)

And last week without warning, 2 brave, young voices raised up thousands of miles apart and joined in the air and cried out.. "I'm worth it. I'm worth loving. And as much as I love you I will no longer be afraid of you. " And each made a choice to reach out for help and begin the healing.

So I've suddenly begun a new chapter in my own life and recovery by default.. the one where parenting on guilt, no matter how hard I try not to, will truly begin to slip away. I will stop slowly (as all things are a process) mentally flogging myself for marrying a fellow alcoholic and not bearing them into the picture perfect family. And I will be able to remember more often, that as much as I love my children and want good things for them..God loves and wants good things for for them even more... and God's more powerful than I ever dreamed of being.