The Head Center

A sponsee of mine who has been sober for five years called me yesterday. He announced something that he had said to me before on a number of occasions. He said, "I feel like I want to hurt myself." There was a tone in his voice decidedly unlike any prior call he had made of this nature. He was distressed more than usual. He then added something new; he said, "I'm at the hospital. I'm standing in front of the emergency room entrance."

I swallowed hard. I told him to go on in and tell the nurse how he was feeling. He doesn't always do what I say, except when he's in a lot of pain -- then he becomes an extremely good listener and exceedingly obedient, to boot.

Long story short ... he's having a rest now and a few days off of work. He's not in a good head space, he needs to work on a number of issues. He asked me for a pad and he's going to do another fourth step, which he had been putting off. He also said he was really furious with God right now, and that God had failed him utterly on a number of fronts. I told him to make two lists and to define a new higher power. I told him to make a list of traits he wanted his HP to have and traits he did not want his HP to have. I think in the end, he'll end up with the same HP he had before and hopefully he will have a spiritual experience along the way.

I may also. When I saw him hurting this badly, and so scared, and nearly falling apart, and needing so much help, it touched a vulnerability inside me. It scared me because this guy has kept me sober for five years. It also touched the compassionate place inside me that working the steps gave to me. He is not just a sponsee, he is a friend. No, he is a loved one. I felt profoundly sad that this was happening to him.

I'm sure everything will work out. It usually does. My sponsor told me when I had five years, that "you go crazy in your fifth year." I said, "what?!?!?!" He said, don't worry about it, just keep coming back. I don't know what else to say at this point except that the wisdom of the elders is certainly to be respected. That is a spiritual way unto itself and part of my spiritual experience.