24 Hours At A Time

My relationship with my daughters, Natalie and Megan, is the most precious gift of my sobriety. 2 years ago this Fall, we had no relationship at all. My girls had all but stopped taking my phones calls, and who could blame them? They could never predict with any certainty which "Dad" they were going to talk to. Was I sober that day, and back to being the fun-loving dad my kids were so fond of? Or was I drunk? Suicidal? Or just plain crazy? They never knew who they were gonna get on the other line. Now days, we talk almost everyday. It's truly a blessing in my life.
The hardest thing I deal with in sobriety are the memories that I put my kids through back in my drinking days. The mental images of those drunken days is like a video tape in my head sometimes. I often refer to those memories as "ghosts," because of how they haunt me. I don't like it when those ghosts come haunting from time to time. I continually ask oldtimers in the program how I can make those ghosts go away. I'm always told the same thing: don't drink and go to meetings. "But how is that gonna help me?," I always ask.
I think I finally received the answer to that question. I'm going to be a grandpa this coming Spring. I am both shocked and elated. I still think of Natalie as a 12-year old, with braces and pig tails. Hard to believe she is gonna be a mom. My #1 priority is to be a sober grandpa. Second on the list is to be a fun, helpful, and consistant grandpa and father. I want Natalie's child and her husband Nathan to know me ONLY as the person that I wish I had been for my kids all along. And I can only accomplish this by not drinking and going to meetings. I believe that through loving my grandchild and being there for my kids now, I can make my amends for the wreckage of my past. Doing so may not make those ghosts go away entirely, but maybe I can at least make friends with them. I'm gonna be the world's best grandpa. Happy Birthday, Natalie! MYALU-Frosty

2 years ago, I attended my AA home group with my daughter, Natalie. A few days later, on a fateful Friday night, I bought a quart of beer and did some "experimental drinking." That 1 beer led me to a 7 month relapse, complete with 11 trips to the ER, 3 psych ward stays, and 3 arrests. The experiment failed.
Last night, Natalie and I were at that same meeting with some of our other family members. The topic was gratitude. Attending the meeting with Natalie, 2 years later, with 16 months of sobriety under my belt, fills me with a sense of gratitude that I can't describe. I am grateful to my AA friends for always being here for me, and I am grateful to my family for giving me the chance to show them that the Mike they love was still alive. But most of all, I am grateful to God, for hearing my cries for help and delivering me from the living hell I was in 2 years ago. Go to meetings, get a sponsor, and pray. Stop drinking. Your Higher Power is waiting to help, and life is worth fighting for!-Frosty

I recently picked up a token for 1 year of continuous sobriety. A very short time ago, I thought that I would never, ever be able to say that. I had managed 7 months sober 3 different times, but inevitably I went back out. While I was in rehab last year, I was searching desperately for the missing ingredient in my recovery. I had gone to AA meetings, called my sponsor, practiced meditation; I had even worked a little with another alcoholic. What was missing? I asked a counselor in rehab what I was doing wrong. "Nothing," he replied. "Do what worked for 7 months, just do a little more of it." He suggested doing 2% more work towards recovery; I think I did about 25% more just to be sure. Whether you have been sober for 20 years or 1 year or 2 weeks, we all have to do the same things each day to stay sober. It doesn't get any harder down the road. If you stayed sober today through the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, just wake up tomorrow and do the same "stuff." Work the 12 steps, pray, and watch out for those people, places, and things that we call triggers. When you're finally sick and tired of being sick and tired, 2% more effort isn't asking too much. Keep coming back. If it kept me sober for a year, there is hope for all of us!!!-Frosty

Last Thursday was the best Thanksgiving of my life. Much better than last year. We had 17 family members here for dinner. That's a lot of people! As dinner time approached, 4 of us were all cooking in the kitchen at once. My mother, step-father, and step-sister were running around like they were on fire. They were very caught up in the last minute food preparations; full of anxiety and very worried about whether or not everything would be done on time. I was making green bean casserole, and I hadn't a care in the world. I was in a house full of people that I loved and who loved me. I was consumed with gratitude like I have never felt before. My last Thanksgiving dinner was in a homeless shelter with strangers. After I ate, I spent the evening drinking warm beer, then I slept in my car. I prayed that I wouldn't wake up. But I did, and here I am.
Although I don't want to dwell on my pre-recovery memories, they do provide wonderful points of reference. You see, I could have made the worst green bean casserole I've ever made this year, and my Thanksgiving was still gonna be just fine. Because I've been through a REAL bad Thanksgiving, and I'm never going back. I'm 10 and 1/2 months sober, and I owe it to God, AA, and my family. If you read this and your'e still out there, get to a meeting today. And keep going back. I am very grateful to be sober today. Oh, and my green bean casserole turned out very well, judging by how much of it my daughter Megan ate.-Frosty

"Accept the things I cannot change..." How many times a week do we meeting attenders say those words? Does acceptance really make us feel better? Here's my take on this topic: I ride my bike every day to help control my blood sugar. Today, I took a 10 mile ride. There were 25 MPH winds gusting all day today. For the first 5 miles of my ride, I was riding into that wind. Then I turned around and headed home for 5 miles, riding with the wind instead of against it. During that ride into the wind, I was very unhappy. Frankly, I was miserable. I didn't make eye contact with the drivers passing me by, I was in pain, and I felt like quitting the ride. On the way back, riding WITH the wind, my entire outlook changed. I barely had to pedal; I just coasted along. I enjoyed the changing colors of Fall, and I smiled and waved at every person I saw. I felt like I could ride my bike forever.
Acceptance or a lack of it is just like that bike ride. If I work a good program and exercise acceptance, my days go by just like the 2nd half of that ride: happiness, gratitude; just coasting right along. If, though, for 1 minute, I get away from that serene type of thinking, I then begin pedaling against the wind, which I can't afford to do. Anger, bitterness, resentment, fear, greed, jealousy; I choose not to entertain these emotions. I'll take unconditional love and acceptance any day of the week. I may have to ride my BIKE against the wind, but with the help of AA and the people who read these words, I'll coast all the way home in life for the rest of my days. How about you?-Frosty

2 years ago this month, I was insane. Or as close to insane as you can get without really being crazy. After 6 years of living in Chicago Heights, IL, my dream of moving to Florida to live closer to my daughters was coming true. I had a job offer in Jacksonville, and I took it and moved.
Things moved quickly when I got to Florida. I found an apartment, got moved in, and got my youngest daughter Megan enrolled in school. She also moved in with me; the most awesome benefit of the move. I went through my new job orientation and started my first day of work. My daughter started school. I loved my apartment, and I took care of everything. Except for my alcoholism. My Program was on the backburner. The stress of starting a new job at 40 was great. So was adjusting to new surroundings. If there was any time in my life that I needed AA, it was then. By the time I started to crave alcohol, it was too late. After 3 solid days of drinking, the job, my daughter, and my dream were gone.
I ended up back in my hometown in Indiana; in complete disbelief of what I had done. I sank into an indescribable depression, with many relapses and no hope in my life. It was pretty much like that for 1 1/2 years, until finally at the 1st of this year I went to a 28 day rehab house. I made it through rehab and went on to graduate from several follow-up recovery classes. I now have 7 1/2 months of clean time.
The biggest aid to my sobriety besides rehab itself was that I quit asking why. Why did I fail in Florida? Why didn't I stay in Chicago? How the hell did I end up back in Terre Haute, IN? The bottom line was that I am where I am, and alcohol was killing me. I decided to turn my life over to a God of my understanding and work the program. I am getting into service work, working on my 4th step, and improving my physical health. I am blooming where God planted me. And when the time is right, I WILL live by my girls again. I want to be a good father, a good sponsor, a good son, and a good friend to whomever needs one. But first and foremost, I want to be a good Christian and to stay sober. I want to bloom where I was planted.-Frosty

I am amazed at the many different ways that the 12 steps of AA help me besides alcoholism. I am doing a very good job of controlling my diabetes through the same 12 steps.
When first being told I was a diabetic, I was in the same denial that I was about my alcoholism. I didn't want to exercise every day and I didn't want to give up sweets and carbs. I was powerless to stop eating this way, and I turned it over to God. He has helped me greatly. The biggest problem for me, whether it was giving up the booze OR the Pepsi and ice cream, was thinking about going the rest of my life without them. Then I thought about that beautiful AA slogan, "1 day at a time." That was the turning point. No, I can't fathom going the rest of my life without sweets and having to exercise, but I CAN do it today (and I did). And tomorrow, I will do the same thing, for both addictions. Thinking this way has brought my blood sugar readings down from a dangerous 350 to an almost normal 140. And I didn't do this through Diabetic Digest readings or Jenny Craig. I owe my gratitude to the grace of God and the 12 steps.-Frosty

I had an unpleasant conversation with my oldest daughter last Friday. This is a very rare occurance for us, as we are very close and get along quite well. Because of this, I was very upset Friday night. I made a few "AA" calls and discussed my feelings with my friends in The Program, and I prayed about it. I felt better, but I didn't talk to my daughter for 6 days. During this time, I thought alot about the things she went through as a result of having an alcoholic father. Without getting into specifics, suffice it to say she went through a living hell that no child should have to endure.
In spite of all the dysfunction, she has become a bright, healthy girl with a strong faith and a great attitude. We talked today and laughed together, and it left my spirit soaring. It wasn't too long ago that we weren't speaking at all; I was drunk or high on pills 24/7 and she was fed up. My relationship with her is one of my most cherished gifts of sobriety, and I pray to God every day to keep her safe and happy. If you read this and you have children, get sober or stay sober and tell them you love them every day. And Natalie, if you read this, know that I love you and know that you are my world. MYALU-Frosty (Daddydog)

I did yardwork all day Saturday. It's good exercise and I love seeing the results. As it got close to 5 o'clock, I had 1 more section of the front yard to mow; about an hour's mowing. I really needed to call it a day, though. It was time to take a shower, make an AA phone call, and get ready for my Saturday night meeting. But I wanted to be done with the mowing, too. I decided to finish mowing and then go inside. I could still call someone in the program later. I would miss my meeting, but I had already been to 3 meetings last week.
On my way back outside, I came accross a dark stain on our wooden deck. The stain was my blood. Last September, after a day of blackout drinking, I had passed out at this spot and fallen down. I remember nothing. I woke up in the emergency room with a broken nose and a headache. This was just 1 of many trips to the ER last Fall.
As I stared at that blood, I thought about priorities. What was REALLY more important, that AA meeting or getting ahead on my yardwork? The answer was simple. I mean, for a true drunk like me, I MUST make AA meetings priority #1. Because if I don't, my next broken nose is just around the corner. And then the yard (and the house, and my car, and my liscense, ect...) all just disappear anyway. It was a great meeting. The topic, oddly enough, was staying consistent in your program. God speaks to us in those AA meetings.-Frosty

It is 1:30 am. I just awoke from a "drunk dream," aka using dream. These are a nightly occurence for me. They are terrifying. They emcompass everything I did during my drinking days: driving drunk with my kids in the car, physical fights with my wife, being drunk at work, and so on. The dreams seem so real. I swear I can taste the charcol-mellowed whiskey on my breath. Then the thoughts of the relapse become seemingly real: I've got to call my sponsor, change my sobriety date. Do my kids know? Did I lose my job, ect...
When I woke up, there was obvious relief. I realized it was simply yet another dream. My sponsor tells me these are a normal experience for someone early in sobriety like me. He says they are a good reminder of where I don't want to go back to. I can agree with that. They scare the crap out of me. I don't like them. But they are better than actually being drunk. And for that I am grateful. Can anyone relate to this?-Frosty