Freedom from the Frenzy

I don't know how many times I can get kicked in the teeth and still get back up. I just don't know anymore. I stand up, I dust myself off, and I ask for more. Bring it on! I practically beg to be beaten down and kicked. I want it. I need it. Maybe in some warped way it helps me fuel my own self hatred. If it happens I must deserve it. But no one knows, and frankly no one cares, what part of me dies in the process. If I keep doing this - I won't be the same person when it's over. I'll be a shell, nothing but a shell of a person - who is no longer capable of love, but who simply exists in a void of nothing. Maybe that's what I really want to be - maybe that's why I do what I do. I don't know. But I know I hate the pain. I hate it! I hate it and I want the pain to stop.

I've really fallen hard again. To someone so complex. Not an A, but still complex. In many ways the coping mechanisms are the same. That means I have to be careful. Very careful. I'm already in a dangerously bad spot in my recovery and I can't let myself go further off track. I need to maintain my sense of self. I'm not happy with me at the moment. The past year has been especially hard for me. But perhaps things are looking up. Perhaps the complexities are what I need to help me refocus. Maybe it's all intertwined for a very good reason and outcome. I'll hold on to that possibility for right now.

Yesterday, I asked God to give me a sign. I asked for a sign no one (not even me) could be dumb enough to miss. I wanted to know if there was hope in a particular situation. Well, I think I got my sign. A few small characters in a message and a dream. In my dream, I was in a casket that had no lid, and the person I wanted to know about came and took me out. I will take that as my sign. There is hope I can hold on to. It could be wishful thinking, but my dreams have always held meaning for me. When I'm able to remember them, they usually have purpose. So I'm going to cling to that for now.

Like a scared little child, I cry alone. Fear and loneliness are rapidly overtaking me. As much as I say I don't believe, it's not true. As much as I say I don't care, it's a lie. More than anything in the world I want to love and be loved. I'm afraid the one chance I truly want will slip away or I'll drive it away. So I sit and I cry. I feel scared and so totally alone.

Lately, I spend my days with wave after wave of panic rolling through my body. I don't know why. I know I have to get a handle on it. The phone rings and I get that feeling in the pit of my stomach. I'm reading emails and it washes over me like a wave. I'm chatting online with someone I truly want to be talking to more than anyone else, and it strikes hard in my chest. I try to sleep at night and it consumes me. All I know for sure is the old feelings of being inadequate, undesirable, fearful and dependent are all back in full force - my confidence is shot. I know I need to rope in these feelings, but I feel so powerless right now.

I'm so tired....tired of pretending... Recovery isn't pretty. It never ends. It's a series of ups and downs. And right now, I'm down. I'm about as far down as I can go. I need a safe place to vent. A place where I'm not judged. A place where no one tries to solve my problems. But the walls I've built are thick and there for protection. I have a fear of writing it all down. Is it a fear of someone seeing it? Or is it the fear that I'll have to acknowledge and confront it? Hmmm - that's worth thinking about for sure. But I'm thinking here is where I want to be. Even if no one else reads it, maybe here I can let a little of it out. Maybe.....

Well, I've been staying away from relationships, especially ones that I know aren't healthy for me. (Even tho it's been hard sometimes.) But this past week, I've decided it's time to get back in the game and try again. Or should I say, I've set aside my fear and decided I have to try - or I'll never find happiness keeping everyone out.

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I'm finding it hard lately - very hard. Things are going fine really - all things considered. But lonliness is setting in. This year has not gone the way I'd hoped. My son has been sick for months and we're no closer to a solution, my ex-A is getting married (and while I'm happy for him - I'm sad at the same time since I'm alone), and the guy I thought was the one of my dreams vanished from my life almost overnight.

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Life is so cyclical sometimes. Just when I'm doing great, something happens to pull me back down. So many things have been happening, not all bad by any stretch, but I'm feeling like life is getting SO hectic and out of control!

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It's been awhile since I've posted. I've been meaning to get around to it, but sometimes life gets in the way. Today, someone invited me to their website, and I saw on it a list of quotes. One of them particularly caught my eye, as it was very close to the way I've decided to look at life...

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