Freedom from the Frenzy

In the case of my A, my ex-husband, I waited 7 years before filing for divorce, and that was after he'd moved out of the house. One day I realized, today was the day I could let go, and I did. I can honestly say I don't think there was anything else I could have done that would have improved the situation, or have been of any benefit to him. Blessedly, he hit bottom early in 2007, and has now been sober for 13 months. But if I'd done anything differently, he might not have reached that place on his own, he might not be where he is today. When I let go, some of his perceived safety net was gone, and perhaps in an odd kind of way - I helped him even tho it was a very painful road he had to take. So I'm thankful I made the choices I did.

Sometimes people ask me how I can forgive him for all the heartbreak, for all the pain he put our family through. I tell them the truth. If even one little thing were different, I wouldn't be where I am today. I wouldn't be the person I am today. So I'm ok with forgiving the past, because I can look back with no regrets. That's not to say I don't look back with sadness. Alcoholism affect every part of a family, and it changes people forever. I'm sad things went so terribly wrong, that we weren't able to make it work out in the long run. But today, I have a wonderful friend, we have a beautiful son, and we're both in a good place in our lives.

I don't try to justify to people why I do what I do. Why I seem to fall for the guys who either currently have, or have had in the past, issues with Alcohol. I don't try to explain why, even after they've hurt me, I still wait and hope it will work out one day. Most people can't comprehend that doing nothing is a choice, and it's a choice that's ok to make until you're ok with moving on to a different place in your life. Some things can't be rushed, and only you can know when is the right time to make changes in your life so that you don't have to regret any decisions.

I can say that living my life this way has had a tremendous impact on my ability to read and understand people. I find that I can quite easily understand why they do the things they do. Why they make some of the bad choices they do. But understanding why, and being able to do anything to change it or help them are two very different things. I understand them - but I have no control over them. That can be very hard to accept at times.