Freedom from the Frenzy

I've been feeling under the weather for the last few days. I also found that although I've been in a really good place the last month or so, I found myself slipping back into self-doubt and insecurity. I started wondering why the two seemed to go hand in hand.

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Things have been a bit crazy for me the last few weeks. My A had been missing in action again (well, actually he's still M.I.A)...no word for over a month now. I was just beside myself - but what could I do? Nothing! And then the most amazing thing happened...

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Things have been very busy for me lately. I've been making sure I take time to do things I want to (like catching up on a few TV shows I have saved) but work has been frenzied and with my computer endeavors, I sometimes feel there's not enough hours in the day. I've reached a comfortable "cruising altitude" again in my recovery and tho I'm not making forward steps in leaps and bounds, at least I no longer feel as if I'm sliding down out of control.

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I've had an awful cold this last week. Instead of trying to take care of everyone else, I've been focusing on taking care of me. Lots of rest and sleep...the chores can wait. My son is old enough now to do some basic fending for himself, and it's probably good that he learns to do so. Letting go of even the simplest things can be hard, but sometimes you just have to - to care for yourself!

My A is 4000 miles away and I've no idea when/if we're going to end up together. You'd think I'd get jealous from time to time. But what I've been dealing with this week has nothing to do with him...it's all about my ex-A.

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I've been at a very low point fer weeks. I'm having trouble pulling myself back up & out of it. I'm trying though. At least I can recognize where I am, that's far better than not being able to see it at all. Another blog soon - but not for a few more days at least. :)

Admitting we are powerless over a situation is SO hard. Control is one of the things that helps make life seem tolerable. Control over anything to make the uncontrollable less scary becomes almost a way of life. Learning to release a little control however, ultimately becomes paramount to recovery.

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Sometimes I just don't know how to handle things. No matter how long I've been working at it - things can still get totally unmanageable. I feel like I'm back at the beginning of my journey.

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I was reminded this week, when I'm able to let go and stop trying to manipulate my situation God takes care of it for me. I hate the sound of the word manipulate - I don't intend to manupulate, but I guess I do try to. Somehow control just didn't seem like a strong enough word. I've been trying to do more than that.

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I hate nights when I can't sleep. My mind whirls out of control...faster and faster. The thoughts swirl together until they can no longer be separated. My body cries out for rest while my mind is screaming to stay awake.

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