Paralysis through analysis set in. This was going to be a horrible day. Why was I still dreaming about him? Why was there still violence even in the dream? Hadn't I gotten over him and his drunken rages?

Then, a word came to me. Choices. I had choices. I had the ability to choose how this day would be. I logged on to stepchat and listened to others stories. I remembered how I was a few short months ago. My life was GOOD now. What was I forgetting?

I private messaged an Alanon friend who knew me fairly well. Just shared that I was slipping into some petty spiteful thinking and didn't know what to do?

She reminded me that I could start the day over anytime I wanted. Then she asked, "Have you consulted with your HP over the issue?"
Well, "DUH."

So I made myself a capucino and said a prayer. Not only for me, but I prayed for my ex that he might find himself in recovery should he ever seek it. I wished him WELL...in all that it means.

And with that, the calm rush of healing energy came through me. The fellowship of Alanon keeps me full of reminders and gratitude. See you there.

One thing I could accept was that I did not have all the answers for the world. Just looking at the birds, the flowers in my garden, the stars at night, made me realize that there was some greater order present. Whether I could define it or not, some greater "intelligence" existed.

The sun rises every morning whether I think of it or not. When I feel its effects, such as a beam of light descending through the clouds to warm my face, then I take notice of it. Perhaps that is part of the problem, my HP may always be there, but it takes a personal touch for me to notice.

As I have worked the steps to recovery, I get frequent reminders to look to HP. And you know, when I do, I feel the effects. Little by little, I am gaining a stronger connection with HP and small miracles are already happening in my life.

Thanks HP.

My spiritual quest for many years led me through Christianity, Sufism, Buddhism, a Masters Degree in Comparative Religion and finally to a modern mystery school. I was initiated into higher realms of consciousness and gained many gifts of insight, clarity, and wisdom. So the fact that my interactions with this seriously addicted man challenged my serenity was significant.

More importantly, though, was the fact that I found the support of Al-Anon. The twelve principles are universal in nature and not limited to someone else's conception of god. That became critical to me as I began recovery from an abusive relationship.

So, the delving into the self, those egoic issues that kept me on the wrong side of the street, began again in earnest. Self-discovery is an ongoing journey and through the honest support of friends and family, I hope to become whole again and enjoy the plateau.